I was mad. And upset. And fought against the ironic circumstance of hearing a message on forgiveness that morning at church, working through some stuff with that, and now needing more. This, I have found, is just like God - always wanting to smooth my rough edges when I think they are just fine, thank you, the way they are.
What I was hearing was, "Nobody cares about you. And see? No one cares about Grace either. You are all alone. Nothing can change that. Alone. No one can see your pain. Alone."
...(Satan) was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. ~John 8:44I bought it, hook, line & sinker, swallowing that barbed lie until I could hardly breathe while making small talk like I could.
Fast forward to a leader's meeting last night. During ministry time, I prayed with a couple other lovely ladies and turns out we are all feeling depressed & alone. That doesn't mean there isn't really hard stuff going on in each of our lives, but it does imply that this is a common tactic of the enemy who even now looks for someone to devour. If he can keep us alone, isolation steals any hope we have, destroying us, destroying me.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly. ~John 10:10I am working through some really hard stuff that has been coming for a long time. I feel isolated & alone, I want to go to bed and get up in a year, maybe. Depression. Poor decisions. Too late decisions. Sick of the fight. When people are nice to me, I wonder why? I am trying to pursue that abundant life Jesus talks about. And Satan is a liar who takes advantage of all this crap. My daughter is not another me, and she does and will know she's loved because I can change that. Sometimes I see a ray of hope, can see the hand of God using this stuff for a reason.
Heavy post, huh? I meant to write this and then turn the end of the post into a 'One Thousand Gifts' post because there is so much to be thankful for and things I should focus on instead, but I can't just right now. Just where I'm at. If you're a pray-er, please do.
*** Grace was very happy with her party. Since her love language is receiving gifts, and she received gifts, it was all really good, and with no other kids around she was the center of attention.