What kind of mom?

What kind of mom feels this way about their kids?

Hmmmm. Doesn't that sound like I am about to wax eloquent citing all the fabulous things about my son and daughter and you'll think, 'I wish my kids we as fabulous as that?' Nope. Not going to happen. I mean, my kids are fabulous and I probably need a big fat reminder of that, but that is not what's on my mind and in my heart today. If you have stopped by my blog more than once, you probably know that Grace can be challenging, evidenced here, here and here (#5), and probably lots of other places - or if you've met me, ever.

Weekday mornings at the Wilson house are AWFUL, seriously really bad. If we got Grace up at 5ish she may be ready enough to go out the door at 6:30 with minimal screaming, possibly. And food is always a fight, too. Now Grace is sick with that hacking, deep cough and congestion and was up in the middle of the night. She, like her sibling was, seems to only half wake up in the night when something is wrong, leaving her pretty unreasonable & inconsolable, and this happened again last night. Micheal and I were both up with her, getting cool drinks, Kleenex & cold medicine. Strangely, the cold meds, that tasted just fine before bed, are now icky and taste bad and she's 'scared to take it.' This situation quickly degrades, like many mornings and the discussions after them, into a heated discussion (argument - ever have these in the middle of the night or is that just us?) over the best way to handle this - we are SO on opposite ends of the spectrum of parenting and I freely admit that I am the less merciful, less sensitive, no nonsense parent. To be clear, I am not merciless, I am just more about, 'Yep, this is unpleasant so let's just push through it to get to the better stuff and everyone will be happier, faster.' This can apparently appear uncaring and cold, Grace likes to choose Micheal's methods over mine and is vocal about it.

It hurts. And I'm sick of the argument, sick of feeling wrong and tired of feeling like I look like a bitch. And so last night at around midnight I left Micheal with Grace on the couch and went back to bed. I laid awake for a long time thinking, 'I hate her. I hate how she hurts me, I hate how I think she makes me look bad, I hate all of this! What kind of mother hates her child?' The dictionary defines hate as: to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest.

What kind of mom feels this way about their kids?

I love her intensely, at the same time I passionately dislike her, and I am ashamed. I don't know how to fix it, how to make any of it better, how to get on the same page with Micheal in our parenting, how to love her the way God wants me to. Is there guilt here that I need to hear? Or shame I need to cast off?

What kind of mom feels this way about their kids?

Not Much To Say...

I feel pretty blah. Blah, blah, blah. Could be cabin fever, vitamin D deficiency, hormones, lack of sleep (thank you Olympics!), or something else altogether. This is what I do know:

I miss this boy

And again here:

And this girl

And again:

And I wish I could go away somewhere warm with this man

And remember to still have fun together

I wish it were easier.
I wish it was simple.

A Great Resource

Someone in our small group just had a baby (Yay!) and I'm using this site that another friend sent me to plan meals for them. It's super easy, intuitive software and it's FREE! I love it. No more calls, no more doubling up on who's bring which meal when... just send people an email and they can login with the link you provide, see what everyone else is making, see which nights are still needed, and it links a map for directions! It's amazing. Just thought I'd share it! Let's hear it for TakeThemAMeal.com !!!! Woo-hoo!

A Silent Day

It's Ash Wednesday today, the beginning of Lent, another opportunity to think about what God wants you to change, to leave behind, so you can see Him more clearly. I know He's speaking into my life in some areas touched on over here. Forgiveness, modeling forgiveness to our children, parenting well... A fresh start sounds nice.

Tucked In

"Go get in bed, I'll be there to pray & tuck you in!"

These are the words that often come out of my mouth most nights around 7pm. This is then followed with a heated conversation about teeth brushing, pajama picking, blankie finding, still-hungry arguing, need-a-drink begging & not-tired-yet whining. Finally, she's in bed, prayed up, big lights off, night lights on, can't sleep, scared, not comfortable, frustrated parents - stop yelling - got to sleep! too hot, too cold, needs the fan on, or off, can she have books? what's that noise? I'm scared!

Not. Sleeping.

This happens just about every night. Eventually, after we have soothed her, prayed again and again, convinced her she's safe, there is silence. And I wait until deep sleep comes, then I slip in, climb the ladder to her loft bed, cover her up, tuck her in, kiss her forehead and whisper, "I love you." I am usually rewarded with a sleepy, content smile, a whispered, "Mommy!" or "I love you, too," as her body relaxes visibly in the comfort of rest and warmth.

As I did this again just the other night, I was struck by this familiar routine and I felt God whisper to my heart, "I love you. I am safe, let me tuck you in." I fight, kick, scream, holler and hold on by my fingernails to not do the things that God knows I need. And God eventually wins the battle of wills I have created and suddenly I am in the place, that sweet spot, where God knew I needed to be. The spot where I can rest & rejuvenate, the time where the person He wanted me to talk to is available, the eye in the hurricane of life, the place and time the God of the universe prepared for me. And when I finally allow myself to get there, when I get my stubborn will out of the way, I realize that what He has for me really is best. He is trustworthy. He does know what he's talking about after all. And I can rest and relax, warm and safe, tucked in by my Papa.

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Grace's version of all tucked in last night.

I Like Ellen

I really like Ellen DeGeneres. I think she's funny, I love when she dances, and she's lovely and seems kind. More than that, I can't tell because I've never met her.

At a party yesterday with the TV on, an American Idol commercial played and Ellen was on it. Someone there told me a short story about how he used to watch AI and then review the show long distance with a grown child. He loved to do it, but can't anymore because now Ellen is a judge. When I asked why, "I just cannot do it with her open lesbianism, I've read articles where she details her joy in her marriage to another woman, I just can't watch it." I responded that I really like Ellen, and that pretty much ended the conversation.


But this has left me with much to think about. Ellen will never know if I watch her talk show or not (I don't - I work and I don't TiVo it) or American Idol, I do like the CoverGirl commercials she's done, but how do I and should I, as a Christ follower, respond? How do you respond? I think the issue could be much more black and white if the contents of said shows were obviously wrong, but I don't think they are.

A brief list of some of the things I know:

• God loves Ellen DeGeneres.
• Ellen is an admitted lesbian.
• The Bible, to many, seems clear on lesbianism being wrong.
• The Bible is also clear on many things I do being wrong - even things I like to do.
• God, being the ultimate Good cannot look on sin, cannot abide when darkness is, evidenced when Jesus was on the cross.
• In one of those strange paradoxes that only God seems to be able to do, He does look at us, and love us, even when we are so broken in our sin, He still draws us, woos us and redeems us.
• I know God loves and pursues me, even in all my brokenness. He doesn't look away.
  
• We are supposed to learn and grow and be more and more like Jesus as God heals us.
• We are supposed to avoid evil, avoid doing wrong, repent what God is pointing to in our lives.
• Jesus said to take care of ourselves and stop judging where someone else is at. (Luke 6:40-42)
• I don't think Jesus would have EVER said that, 'I just can't watch this, I can't look at, I can't stand this person.'
• It's awful hard to love on someone when you aren't looking at them, can't see them, and don't care to.

Not to reduce this to a trite, overused phrase, but what would Jesus do?
Because that's what I want to do.

(*** IMPORTANT NOTE: This is NOT a post on whether or not homosexuality is right or wrong. This is a post about trying to discern how God, who loves each of us unconditionally, wants us to respond to and love the people group with which we have the most issue - whatever it may be.)

Grace

Grace's bedroom carpet:

Grace said, "It was an ACCIDENT, Mommy!"

Points for being creative, though -
I like how the 'C' has eyes.

Surprise! (or God Comes Through, Again!)

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21

On September 24th, 1995, Micah was dedicated to God in church in lieu of infant baptism. We stood in front of our family & friends and promised to teach him about God and model Christian lives in front of him, Yesterday, at 14, Micah was baptized, declaring for himself that he wants to follow Jesus. What a great day!
Micheal followed Micah up on stage and for a minute I thought he was up there to support him. (Micah was pretty nervous & cranky about having to be in front of everyone.) And then I caught Micheal's eye and knew he was up to no good, or up to lots of good - either way, he was surprising me, surprising our family & friends.

I was baptized in Lake Bemidji at the end of September the first year we were dating, he and some college friends were the only people I had in attendance because I didn't know how to describe to my family my decision to be baptized. I have asked him off & on through our years together if he had thought to be baptized and he always replied that he just didn't feel called to do that right now. And I'll admit to have gently teased him while announcing the baptisms at small group over the last few weeks - and he was planning to do this all along!!!

He's pretty pleased with himself here.
Kris & Ben, baptizers extraordinaire.
How do you keep the water from going up your nose?
Kris & Jonne baptized Micah.
I love the earnest, happy look on Micah's face here.
And then he shook his hair out like a dog. =0)

I stressed and stressed and prayed and prayed about this day, about my family coming to see how our church celebrates this important day, and God had something so much better planned than anything I imagined!
He's really amazing like that!

Another Day, Another Lesson

Our car is in the shop today.

Our computer hard drive blew, so it's in a different shop today.

We have a ton to do to get ready for not one, but two parties on Sunday:
An after church baptism celebration, and
A Super Bowl party with our small group.

With only one vehicle and a multitude of places to get to,
my family coming to the baptism, & cooking & cleaning to do
I'm feeling just a little bit sTrEsSeD!

I did go to the gym, ever so briefly, for a quick elliptical trip,
and then had to use the rest of my lunch hour for some personal calls
like finding out what the deal with the car is, figuring out rides, stuff...
But I went!

Tonight at small group I am beginning a new series on Community.

At the end of each study there is always an area for personal application.

Here's a couple of the questions for tonight:

When is it difficult for you to walk in the Light?
How could others in our group encourage you more in this area?
How can we practice confession & forgiveness in our small group?

And as the leader, I get to, need to be truthful and transparent.
And I am not feeling it today. I want to go home, eat lots of high calorie unhealthy stuff and turn on the TV and not think about all the stuff I am stressed about. Complete avoidance.

But there is a really tiny part of me that is excited to go, to go where people will care, to let God come in my insecurities & lack of trust, and bring healing.

Could it be that while I am leading others, God will come and help me through this muck; this place where I feel all alone & overwhelmed, and in seeing His healing, build their faith?

And I think that's the lesson for me today; trust that my Papa is in control when I don't feel it, might not even want it, and know that even through the crappy part of life, He redeems for His glory.

Could it be?

Drumroll, Please!

Day 2! Yes, I did make it back to the gym today. I know you are all amazed.

And...................................................................................
I did not do the elliptical, but I did do the treadmill for...........................
30 minutes, which is a 7 minute improvement over yesterday when I thought I was going to throw up.

And............. I ran the first 14 minutes of it and alternately ran/walked the other 16 minutes.

Just because I know you are so interested, I will tell you that the 7 minute time difference is an almost 30% improvement. And if I daily increased by 7 minutes, in two weeks I would be exercising 2 hours & 8 minutes every day and if I kept going, in six weeks I would be working out 5.4 hours every day.

I say this only so you don't get your hopes up, so stop it right now. But I do think I'll go back tomorrow...

Thanks for all your support!

It's Official

Exercise is a dirty word.
Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
~Author Unknown

I am now an exerciser. Yep, just me and the whole state university community of college girls in skimpy stuff I wouldn't have worn when I was skinny, slim, slender, young.

I think I almost died in there today. Really. I had to get off the elliptical after 23 minutes and 241 calories burned because I thought I might be sick at any second in front of all the young college lasses. And I am coughing a crazy amount now. But my legs did that thing where after you work out they kind of spasm and you know you really did something. I like that. And I got on the scale at the gym and was SO not pleased with what I saw (the batteries in our scale at home have been dead for a very long time and neither Micheal or I have felt the need to change them - which should be a HUGE flashing warning sign to me!) but at least now I know. You don't, and I'm not telling you either, but let's just say that I have quite a big job ahead of me.

I think I'll go back tomorrow and my goal will be at least 24 or 25 minutes! I know I can do it. AND, since Micheal is home sick today (he caught my head cold), we will not have date night tonight and I may even walk the dog. Just to make sure you are keeping up, let me tell you that that will be me, being an exerciser - two times today. Crazy, I know!

And I do think I will attempt the 5K. Even though I only ellipted for 23 minutes, I feel empowered, which is really so, SO foreign a feeling for me.

And do you even know what is the best thing about this? I feel like God is whispering in my ear that I am OK, that He is in this, that we can do this together, and that He is waiting and wanting to heal me emotionally & spiritually as well as physically. And I believe Him. And I'm excited! (When 'we' refers to me & God, should it be capitalized? Hmmm.)

So, that's me and God, day 1 on this new adventure (& 80 days until that 5K). Stay tuned, you never know what He'll do next!

Movement is a medicine for creating change
in a person's physical, emotional, and mental states.
~Carol Welch

New Stuff

I bought NEW SHOES!!!

They are black felted wool Keens.
They are GREAT in the cold Minnesota winters
and they last!
I had a pair before and they lasted two years!
Just sharing the excitement, people!

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I stopped in the University store today
(to get some chocolate - shhhhhh!)
and saw all these, and thought,
"I could make those!"

These are bracelets made with

tie-dyed elastic & tied in a rather un-fancy knot.
For $4.00 each!!! It's just elastic!
Who wants to tie-dye with me?And these headbands.
I think I will get some of these fancier ones
and add some beads or bling.

Pretty cute!And these are just big clothes pins,
about an inch wide, stained,
then painted with these cutsie designs.

And then maybe a little bling too.
I could totally do this
(and have, just not quite so fancy)
but I may have to invest in some paint markers...

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In other news:

I'm trying to decide if I should take a break from facebook, which probably means I should. And I am wondering what I would do instead of the time I spend on facebook? Another warning sign.

And I joined the gym today! Tomorrow is day 1 of the new me. Or something like that anyway.

And there is a 5k race on April 24th, which I am not allowed to sign up for unless I actually train for it, but I want to, train for it that is... it's about 11 weeks away and the 'Couch Potato to 5K' running plan is 9 weeks...

And Micah is getting baptized next weekend and I'm kind of (really) nervous about what my family is going to think about our SO-NOT-LUTHERAN church. But I'm excited for Micah.

And the family room has been painted, a nice warm taupe, thanks to husband Micheal, who hates painting so it's really amazing! Next on the agenda for that room is some slipcovers for some of the 4 couches...

OK, enough rambling! =o)