Happiness

 I took a little unplanned hiatus there. I wanted to read, picked a book I'd already read, light reading that was handy because it was already in my iBooks app, and then read the next book in the series, and the next, and the next, five total. And I can see that I totally did it to avoid, bury my head in the sand, and not awfulize about the stuff that God was speaking to me last week.So I avoided. I should mention the Christmas gift sewing that sucked me in, too. So, I don't want to have a pity party here, just wanted to tell you I've been here... but not here.

God always pursues when we run. I should expect it by now. (Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. Psalm 139.7-8)

Every week I come to Freedom for Life, empty and unwilling, and God speaks through the wonderful women at my table and touches my heart. Every week. We turn to Him, He comes, we turn, He comes... (Are you getting this, Kathy??? I am stubborn and comfortable in the mire, always surprised that there is something better.) My friend, Wendy, has been doing such a great job leading our group of ladies, week in and week out. She hears God for us, guiding us, modeling life in Christ, obedient.  Last night she brought a gift for each of us. (She even brought a gift for someone who wasn't supposed to be at our table, knowing she would be anyway. See - she hears from God, and then acts on it!) The gifts were Willow Tree figurines and she picked a different one for each of us, to remind us of this time, set apart for God.  For me, who cries through most meetings, she chose 'Happiness.'

The description of it was from God's heart to mine,
My daughter, My heart is for you to be "FREE to sing, laugh, dance....create!"
Only God could have told her that, the thing my heart longs to hear, the words I am afraid to hope for. Thank you, Wendy, you hear God when I can't.

Blogging for Books

I just signed up for a program through WaterBrook Multnoma Publishing Company. For my first book I chose The Next Christians by Gabe Lyons. I'll receive it around Christmas and I am excited for free books! You just have to review the book(s) on your blog and link it to their site. You can also win stuff. Just thought I'd share with you! Maybe you want to sign up too!

In Progress

I have big plans for these:

This is my favorite one, Check out the teeth on this fish!

I only hope they come out as sweet as they look in my head!

You know you know what I mean.

And these are done. I'll tell you about them after I gift them.

And I made 150 of these, only different. I can't talk about that yet either. But I'm very excited about how this project turned out. And when I add the receipts for this project I spent about $25 for gifts for 22 people/families, including Grace's teacher gift. They are unique and fun. 

Now I need to go start cutting into those fab coffee bean bags. Wish me luck!

Forgive, Forgiving, Forgiven

In the last Freedom for Life meeting, we talked at our table about how hard it is to forgive. It feels like ripping off a scar, something that you'd rather leave covering whatever damage is below the surface. We were asked to make a list of people we needed to forgive. My list was long, longer than I thought it would be. And I also noticed that there were things on the list that were just ridiculous. I'm very embarrassed to say that things like a poor report card and less than perfect public behavior made the list - normal things for which I was holding grudges against our kids. Crazy. Sad. And just wrong. Then there are the things that really did hurt me, deliberately or not, and that part of the list is long, too, and was WAY easier to make and detail. Those things just sit there in your mind and heart - if you let them, and wait to be given room to voice their complaints.


Alyssa at Resolved to Worship recently posted this:

Sometimes forgiving seems to minimize what has been done to me, to others.

I think that's what my brain wants, to NOT have the injustice forgotten or overlooked. There is a part of me that wants to rise up and say, "But look what they did! See how hurt I am? What about me?!?"and, "If I let this go, if I don't tell them in excruciating detail exactly how they hurt me and what they should have done instead, they will just do it over and over. I'm just not willing to lay it down!"


But my heart longs for reconciliation. Sometimes your heart knows things that your head can't make sense of.

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There is a couple at church that I hurt. I hurt them so deeply that they left the church we were in at the time. They chose the painful prospect of breaking fellowship to get away from the sin I am responsible for. Of course there were reasons, I was in leadership, sought counsel for a situation from an appropriate person and I unwisely chose to follow the advise I was given. But I chose, I sinned against this couple, and the results were immediate, clear and unquestionable. For a while I was able to absolve myself by assuring myself that, even though I had actually carried out this act, I was merely following the leading of someone in more authority than myself - for a while. And then some other stuff was going on with us and we, too, left that church.... only to settle at the same church as this couple! 

Avoiding them in the small church building, especially in the entryway the "size of a Hummer," was a challenge. We never spoke a word, I didn't talk to anyone else about the situation and I assume they didn't either as I never heard a whisper, but I could practically feel the air thicken as I tried to avoid them, probably only obvious to me. Our pastor and God seem to have some kind of deal where he continuously preaches right to whatever is going on in my heart, and so came the Sunday where he preached about forgiveness and I sat on an aisle and the other couple sat on the opposite aisle a couple rows ahead of me - right where I could look at them through the. whole. service. Our church has ministry time at the end of just about any meeting we have, always leaving space to respond to and hear from God. As the message ended, we all stood to sing, and I watched this couple walk to the front to be available to pray with anyone who approached. I. was. not. approaching! I hightailed it downstairs to pick up our daughter from her class. But we did come back upstairs to worship and dance and that couple was still there, not praying with anyone. 

I finally gave in to what the Spirit had been whispering, nudging, and finally pushing me to do. I had sinned against this couple and I longed for reconciliation. I went forward, daughter on hip, and confessed my sorrow at ever hurting them. And they heard me, hugged me, cried a little with me and forgave me, and I came away lighter, with a sense of God's extravagant, bottomless grace.

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What I received that day, over three years ago, was more than just their forgiveness and God-who-never- forgets-the-lessons-we-shouldn't-have-forgotten, is reminding me of the peace and joy He brings in reconciliation. The last few weeks, He has reminded me-the-forgetful and I find myself looking around in our new, larger facility to see if I can find them, this couple that gave me such a gift through their forgiveness. Once in a while I do and I have such overflowing joy to see them and know that we are all good. We are not close, but I feel intimate with them, real fellowship. I can choose to be the forgiver or the forgivee, or both. They both feel pretty good.

Taco Pie

A hearty blend of tacos and crescent rolls, perfect for a cold winter night! Micah came home over an hour after we ate this the other night and ate two pieces cold, I don't even know if he used a fork.

Taco Pie
1 can crescent rolls (8 rolls size)
1# Ground beef, or turkey (or possibly soy crumbles? Never tired it!), browned
1 pkg. taco seasoning
1 8oz. can tomato sauce
corn chips (the kind that go with salsa)
cheese
sour cream
taco toppings - your choice!

1) Preheat oven to 350.
2) Brown meat in frying pan. Drain, rinse to get off extra fat, return to pan. Add the taco seasoning and tomato sauce and mix together.

3) While meat is browning, line ungreased 9X9" pan with the crescent rolls, pressing seams closed. This is very forgiving so rip them, tear them into little pieces to cover the sides and bottom of pan as needed.

 4) Crush a BIG handful of corn chips and cover the bottom of the pan with them.

5) Spread meat mixture on top of the chip layer.

(Why won't this picture rotate?!?!?)

 6) Spread sour cream over the meat, no measuring! (Micah doesn't like sour cream so we leave it off of a portion for him and mark it with toothpicks so we remember which part is his.)

7) Now cheese over the sour cream.

8) And then another layer of chips. Pop it in the oven for 49-45 minutes until the crust is golden. While it's cooking, chop all your toppings - whatever you like to serve with tacos.

9) Let it sit for 5 minutes before cutting.

10) Cut into 6 or 9 pieces - how hungry are you? 

11) Top with you favorite taco toppings & enjoy! If you serve it with fruit and a glass of milk, you have every food group covered! AND don't forget the treat for dessert - there is a part of the food pyramid that allows for that, too. ;o)   Make it! Do it!

If you're blessed like me, maybe someone will make you guacamole to go with it!

 

Thanks, honey!

Just Poppin' In

to say that I have written 3 or 4 posts since you last heard from me. BUT, I am either not satisfied with them, or they are incomplete. I'll try to be better, really I will, or at least I probably will, OK - I might be better... For sure I have a recipe for tomorrow and I'll try to make some of the other posts presentable. Thanks for hanging in there!

XO

~Kathy

Double Chocolate Fantasy Bars? Yes, Please!

Someone at work brought these in and I had to have the recipe. Turns out, it's one of those super easy recipes that uses a cake mix as a base and it only takes a couple minutes to whip up. I think I will keep these ingredients on hand!

Double Chocolate Fantasy Bars
1 pkg of chocolate cake mix
1/4 c vegetable oil
1 egg
1 c chopped nuts (walnuts)
1 (14 oz) can of sweetened condensed milk
6 oz (half a bag) semisweet chocolate chips
1 tsp vanilla
dash of salt

Preheat oven at 350 degrees F. In large mixing bowl, combine cake mix, oil and egg.
Beat on medium speed until crumbly.  Stir in nuts.

Reserving 1 1/2 cups of the crumb mixture, press the remainder on bottom of
13 x 9 inch greased baking pan.

In a small saucepan combine sweetened condensed milk, chocolate chips and salt.  Over medium heat stir until chips have melted.  Add vanilla and pour evenly over prepared crust.

Sprinkle remaining crumb mixture evenly on top.  Bake 25-30 min or until bubbly.
Cool thoroughly.  Cut into bars, store loosely covered at room temp.  Makes 36.

It makes this delicious fudgy layer in the middle. You should try these!

Jonah

The story of Jonah from Corinth Baptist Church on Vimeo.

Such passion! How do you read the Bible? Memorize Scripture? Internalize the Word?

This girl is amazing! I love love love how passionate she is about the Word of God!

It's muh birthday, fixed my bumper, new tail lights, it's muh birthday...

How weird is it that this song keeps going through my head?  =0)
(I just learned how to post videos like up there. ↑ )

Actually, we are buying a new air sensor thingy for my husbands car today. woo-hoo! Happy birthday! =0) The mechanic actually called to say that we could buy one part for $308 or another one for $483, which one did we want? Really? That is a crazy question! But thanks for not assuming, I guess.

Today is a milestone birthday. 4.0.

It's just a number, people. Get over it. Maybe it'll hit me tomorrow, but today just seems like a normal day, with LOTS of people wishing me happy birthday on facebook. It's nice to feel loved. Grace brought me a bagel with cream cheese on it for breakfast and I begged her to share it with me (I didn't want it), the bagel and the 12 hugs were very sweet! Micheal drove me to work since we are sharing a vehicle today so no long walk in to work. A very nice morning so far!

My birthday is a day I miss my mom more than any other. If I let it, that could easily overwhelm me.

I may spend my birthday money on cuddle duds - because our town looks like the *NEW BANNER* above (don't you love it?I love how stark & still it is!) and I want to ski ski ski! Now stop thinking of me in my long underwear.

I spent last night researching the benefits of rice hot therapy packs and I am a little too excited to make some. I started looking into them for my grandparents, but I want one for me, for the foot of my bed. See about the benefits here, and start making some for your family now! A local feed store has stove corn in 50# bags which is triple cleaned and not dusty like feed corn, for less than $10 - that's quite a few therapy bags. Everyone might be getting them. Micheal may think I'm going over board, but he hates when I put cold feet on him at night. I try to tell him that he is duty bound to warm me up:

...if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
   But how can one keep warm alone?
 ~ Ecclesiastes 4:11

It doesn't work. Soon, my darling, I will snuggle up to you with warm feet!  =0)
(Yup, he just called and asked what in the world we are going to do with 50# of corn. Lucky deer in our neighborhood will probably get the left-overs!)

Someone wrote on my facebook wall today: I hope you get everything you want today! I don't even know what I want for supper, let alone everything.

** Freedom for Life Update **

I started Freedom for Life to try and get a handle on this run-away food habit and some of the side effects of my depression, like sleeping & reading too much, burying my head and avoiding painful things... like life. It is interesting to me that God is not addressing it. At all. Yet. Instead, there seems to be an agenda that Someone made without consulting me! The lessons seem to be all about stuff that happened to me growing up, who I need to forgive, what kind of generational sin I have inherited (This is going to be a fun, uncomfortable sex talk with Micah, yay.), area's I've gone off track in response to all kinds of stimuli, coming to terms with belonging in this giant family of God...

So. not. my. agenda. at. all. But in truth (Truth?), it is all such good stuff. I can feel myself stretching & growing as I consider things I have avoided with my whole being for years and years. And I can see that God has more planned for me than I ever expected, and I am amazed at the wide chasm I see between my idea of whole and healthy and His. His idea is way more work, with different priorities than I would have planned. I definitely want His.

A few things I forgot to mention...

I love these socks from LittleMissMatched! They don't match on purpose, but are color coordinated, and so. fun. I'm am trying to decide if I am too old for them...

Have you heard about the great promotion over at UdderCovers? For a limited time, if you enter 'thanksgiving' in the promo box, you get one of their stylin' udder covers for FREE, just pay shipping and handling! They sell for $32 - a sweet deal that just gets better and better because then you get sent an email with another similar deal at SevenSlings where you can get a FREE sling, again for just shipping and handling. You can fill up your staff of gifts for the next baby in your life!

I think my favorite candy bar it a MilkyWay Dark - 'it's better in the dark.' I think I am having an afternoon slump as my mind is on dark, sweet chocolate. Sorry about that!

Today is To Write Love on Her Arm day. I did. Will you? See the vision here, and why I support it here.

I think I will have plenty of coffee bag scraps to make some trinket keepers. I would have loved these when I was a kid, and I know Grace will too! I just got a call that my sewing machine has been tuned up and is ready for pick-up! I am excited to start sewing away on gifts gifts gifts! I find that it makes me want to give more gifts than I usually would. Should I just cut off the impulse or go with it? Does it set a precedent?

I also need to find a source for bulk rice and buckwheat so I can make the hot pack for my gram and the cold pack for my grampa who gets menopausal hot flashes as a chemo side effect. Here's a good tutorial for the Therapy Bags.

I'm playing keyboard at the Duluth Vineyard Church all weekend and if you are in the area, you should come! Not because I'm playing (though I'll work as hard as I can to play well!) but because of the great community. I need a community to love on and be loved by, and this is a good one!

And finally, Freedom for Life has been kickin' my butt. I'm loving the ladies at my table and thankful for the community that God ordained for us before we even started this journey! God is moving, He's bringing up things that hurt, and I'm afraid, but I am so desperate for change, I'm trying to let Him come.

"Fearlessness may be a gift but perhaps more precious is the courage acquired through endeavor, courage that comes from cultivating the habit of refusing to let fear dictate one's actions..."
~ Aung San Suu Kyi, Nobel laureate

This Old Ratty Shirt

If you ever stop by to read here, you might guess that I learn best, and get the most excited about, metaphors. There is never a perfect metaphor for a life in Christ, but once in a while I hear or come across one that makes so much sense for a particular situation - this brings me joy! That happened to me today. And I can't stop thinking about it.(And thank you for continuing to come back after some darker posts!)

I was doing homework for Freedom for Life at lunchtime today, and one of the questions stood out to me. So much that I couldn't just breeze through it, though I was quite certain what my answer was.

Which areas of pain are you medicating?

My flippant answer was 'the part that says I am no good...' that's where I hesitated. The area in my life that causes pain that needs to me medicated in the first place begins with a voice. It's external. It's not part of me. I allow it to touch me, it gets to me, it invites me to make poor decisions... but it's a voice. A voice I can choose to listen to, or not.

It's like a shirt. A ratty old shirt that used to look OK but now looks awful, you know you shouldn't wear it because you'll look terrible, but you choose to anyway because it's just so dang familiar. It's that item of clothing that rarely gets laundered, because you are always wearing it. And then you get so comfortable in the terrible shirt that you wear it out of the house, first just to pick up the kids and a quick trip to the grocery store, but then you wear it once on a casual Friday to work. And no one said anything, so you wear it again the next week. And more and more frequently until you are wearing it all the time. And it doesn't even seem ratty, to you.

And then you're wearing it and something is itching you in the neckline until you can hardly stand it. So you scratch and scratch and scratch it raw. And people see it and ask what's wrong and do you need help? But when you insist you are fine they shrug and go about their day. Your spouse sees that the shirt might be a problem but every time they broach the subject you get angry. So they stop trying to help.

Then you are crossing the street and get hit by a car, not too bad, but the cut on your shoulder is enough to go to the Emergency Room. The kind nurse asks you to remove your shirt so they can treat you and you adamantly refuse! You always wear the shirt, it's become part of you and they will just have to fix you up around the shirt! And then somewhere in the argument, you realize that you can just take the shirt off and throw it away! You can live without it, and it does not define you. So you go home with a bandage in the right place and allow the wound to heal.

Anyway... I'm sure you get the picture. The part of me that says it's no good isn't really a part of me at all. It's something I can choose to put on or take off. I can walk in it and be miserable, or I can ask Jesus to come speak Truth. I've always just thought it was part of who I am, that's a lie, it doesn't have to define me. It's like that ratty old shirt that I can start each day with: to wear or not wear? Walk in Truth or darkness?

Light & Linky, Nothing Too Deep Here

My posts have been really heavy lately. If you've followed at all, you'll see I have a bunch of hard stuff going on, but it's not all heavy. Micah has been a HUGE help around the house and peeking at his report card he is doing really well there, too! Micheal and I keep looking at each other like, "What is he doing? Who is he?" It's great. I must get some more pictures of Micah.

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Grace got her ears pierced

and a new blue hair weave. She was very brave. 

And now constantly reminds me that we need to clean her ears. What a big girl.

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I think I love this website:  not martha
and I want to make these with the kids in all kinds of fun designs
and I want to try all kinds of other things here, too!
Check it out! What's your favorite?
I know the men in my house would be thrilled if some pies baked in tiny jars were waiting in the freezer for them.

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I also want to crochet snowflakes, starch them and use them to decorate. Or randomly mail to people I love. And the kid's teachers. Here's a bunch of patterns. I like this one. And this one...

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I've loved stamped silver jewelry for a while and just found this site - cute jewelry at really good prices!

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I have a stack of local coffee roaster burlap bags that I have a project in mind for for Christmas. (You can find these for sale for $17 online, but if you ask your local coffee roasters, they'll probably give them to you, with sweet bonus local stamps on them!) There are some great ideas to repurpose these. Here's one.  And this super easy one for some kids on my list.

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And I went through my sewing cabinet and am SUPER motivated to use stuff up and give it away. Everyone may be getting home made gifts for Christmas!

What are you making for Christmas this year? And how are you being frugal?

Counting the Sand in the Desert

I have had a recurring dream for most of my life. I remember having it in 2nd grade and I specifically remember thinking at the time, "I hate having this dream!" knowing how it would end and repeat... The last time I remember having the dream is about a year ago.

I am in a desert, surrounded by nothing but sand in any direction, as far as the eye can see. And somehow, I know I must count all the sand. So I start, carefully brushing the sand from one area into another as I make piles in certain amounts. After an indeterminate amount of time, lots of hard work and many piles of sand later, I hear voices coming toward me. A group of people is chatting away and they walk right through all my piles, ignoring my pleas to please go around. I know that I will have to start over, that I will never ever finish this task. And I cry.

And I wake up crying, my pillow wet and my hands smoothing the pillow as I smoothed the sand in my dream. I fall back asleep and the dream starts over, a whole night of this nightmare where I will never measure up to the task in front of me. I would often wake up physically sick from this dream, even as an adult, so stressful is this dream.

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The other night at group while we were having a quiet time, praying and asking God what He is addressing, this dream popped into my head. Uninvited, I tried to shrug the memory of this bad dream off, again asking God what He was doing, and again the dream was there. So, fine! "What does this have to do with anything, God?"

And clear as day, I heard Him say, "I never meant for you to live so alone."

Bam!

And then it seemed like God was telling me what that dream meant. (And not in the way my best friend and I would look up things in a dream dictionary in junior high, like a top hat = wealth & status, a guinea pig = you learn from your mistakes & a pogo stick = a need to focus on one thing at a time, or sex. Not that kind of interpretation.) But in the way that you know is true, because it touches your heart.

And God said that, due to how I interpreted and internalized circumstances when I was young, I have always lived like I am alone. I have taken on the impossible task of trying to be lovable to people who often don't even see me. And walking in that lie has allowed me to be hurt over and over and over. To protect myself, I've adopted some pretty bad responses. Crazy what you can get used to!

I feel like this is a root, the root, at least a big root, the stuff under the surface producing bad fruit in my life. And maybe now that I can see where it's coming from I work on hearing who God says I am and what He wants me to do.

I've said that before, but could never see the lie so clearly.
I see it now.

Sole Source

You may know that I work in a busy office on a state university campus. One of my duties is purchasing expensive electronic equipment. I usually don't understand exactly what it is I am ordering, but I have to know the rules the U has set up to make sure purchases are made ethically while spending funds in only the most appropriate way. One of these rules involves the amount of money you can spend from contracted or non-contracted vendors. You are allowed to spend more with a vendor if they are the only ones who can provide the product or service you need, you just have to justify it and fill out a form stating they are the 'sole source.'

A business dictionary defines 'sole source' as: One and only one source that possesses a unique product having singular characteristics or performance capability.

Sole source sole source sole source...  it keeps bouncing around my thoughts, invading my actions.

In Freedom for Life, the weekly class I am taking at church (mentioned here), we are talking about idols. Idols can be anything you have allowed into your life that usurp the rightful place of God. While talking to God this week, I have been surprised and convicted of surprising idols, often good things, that I have wrongfully allowed to control my actions and attempt to meet my needs, resulting in miserable failure.

But through this business term, I am reminded that:
God is my Sole Source. He is the One and only source that possesses a unique product (Jesus = only Son, both God and man) having singular characteristics (forgiveness and grace given by the Father) or(and) performance capability (Holy Spirit, come work in me).

He is the one and only source for my soul that will ever ever ever satisfy the longings of my heart. Anything else, whether good or bad, is an idol.

Uniquely qualified to provide every thing I will ever need, God is my soul source.

Another Gracism

A conversation between Micheal and Grace on the way to dance last night:

Grace: Dad, I like the name Crystal.
Dad: That's nice. I like the name Grace.
G: Dad, I want to change my name to Crystal. I don't like the name Grace!
D: But I think Grace suits you.
G: But Dad! Can I please please please change my name to Crystal?
D: No Grace. It costs too much money.
G: How much? I'll give you three choices: $100, $1000 or $1,000,000?
D: Grace, it is very expensive to change your name. I think it's $1000.
G, mumbling in the back seat: I bet it's a million...

Me, Wealthy?!?

The Bible warns that your spiritual life is in danger if you are rich. I don't know anyone who thinks they are rich. In fact, I just heard a podcast where the speaker said the "being rich is a moving target. It's hard to tell what it means to be rich." The amount you currently make per year changes the amount you think you need to be 'rich.' And no one ever thinks they have made it. More, more, more, we all want more. Over the whole world, if you make $37,000+ per year, you are in the top 4% of the world's wealthiest. If you make over $45,000 you are in the top 1%. Wow!

A facebook friend just posted this fact: by age four... children growing up in poverty have been exposed to 12 million words; middle class children have been exposed to 30 million words; and wealthy children have been exposed to 48 million words. I know you can't hear Grace ramble on and on via this blog, but let me assure you we must be on the upper end of middle class,  possibly even wealthy!

We Wilson's are having a hard time. Our household is not as restful as I would like it. We seem to not have enough time, or money, or patience, or sleep, or .... You get the idea. But I am reminded that we are wealthy, and to be thankful for the wealth, and to share it.

172) Wealth in denominations and types other than money.

173) An extra seasonal job.

174) Time for an extra seasonal job.

175) Teenage son who says, "Thank you for giving up your 'extra' time and getting another job for us," unprompted.

176) and then teenage son vacuums, does dishes, helps with little sister and laundry without being asked or reminded.

177) Friends pray and encourage.

178) Spouses learn to hear each other, again.

179) Daughter overcomes fear of Halloween terrors and is the first to every house's doorbell.

180) Family who laughs and cares.

181) Son who earns trust.

182) Heat when it's cold out.

183) A job, even when Monday comes too early.

184) We are privileged to vote.

185) The political calls, commercials, and sign holder/wavers will discontinue, for a while.

186) Clean sheets for tired bodies.

187) Shaved legs in clean sheets, lying next to the man I love = heaven

188) A brand new day, and another one tomorrow, and another one after that, each with new things to be thankful for.

**Pictures from Halloween with family.

Whiter Teeth NOW!

Dumb. Sometimes I'm pretty dumb.

I used to work in a dental office and the big bonus to me when I got that job was that I'd get a great deal on the kit to whiten my teeth. Eight years later, I still whiten my teeth. I started with the whitener that came in the kit, maybe 15% whitening strength, and now I use 30% strength whitener. Since I'm no longer at the dentist's office, I order online and save the huge mark-up the dentist charges, and continue to use the personal, molded trays. Hearing this, you may think I'm smart, frugal even...

Until I tell you that I use the 30%, which I don't even remember being an option when I started whitening, and I put the trays in and go to bed. You're supposed to wear them for 30-60 minutes at a time. I usually go 4-5 hours before I wake up to take them out. There's a noticeable difference in the morning, both in whiteness, and sensitivity. The whitening agent in the gel is hydrogen peroxide and as it whitens it also dehydrates teeth. Dehydration causes sensitivity to hot, cold, sweets...oh yeah, and breathing! And I know this, but somehow on the night before the pain when I prepare to put the trays in, it doesn't matter.

Someone said that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. Either I'm crazy, or dumb.

And then I wonder how many times I make this same decision, going for fast and easy and getting painful results, instead of slow and steady winning the race.

So, that's all. My teeth hurt today, they are nice and white though, and I'll probably do it again. Dumb.

Camaraderie

A rare moment of camaraderie. 

After eating out the other night, Grace had a tummy ache and Micah took her to the van to rest. 

This is what we found a few minutes later.

This makes my mom heart happy.

A Box Lunch

I went to a luncheon last week in recognition of National Coming Out Day, observed nationally last Monday. As I work on a state university campus, there is an active GLBT group on campus and staff frequently receives email regarding the inclusive atmosphere the university promotes. It was a nice meal with two excellent speakers; a student and a faculty member. Without consulting each other, they both spoke on the same aspect of their individual coming out stories: Stop putting people in boxes. A couple of the examples given were that not all lesbians wear plaid flannel and carry at least one tool at all times and not all gay men are promiscuous, disdaining monogamous relationships.

Interesting. I ran into someone there, a friend of a friend, who introduced me to her partner. Our mutual friend has apparently loudly voiced her disagreement with their lifestyle. And as such, the second statement after our 'nice to meet you' was, "Do you subscribe to the same belief system as X ?" Wow, right to the point. "Ummmm, I really don't know, I don't think so, we've never talked about it. I think that love is more important than judgment." (That's why I was there. She also said that there is a church in town that says they 'Love God. Love People. Period.' Had I heard of it? Yes, I have!  ;o)  )  So, that was strange, I was just put in a box, all because of knowing this person.

And then I started seeing boxes everywhere.

The boxes I put my kids in, and try to squeeze my husband into. The boxes I live in, afraid to leave the safe atmosphere of my cardboard home. Who makes these boxes?

We dress them up, decide who is right, who is wrong, what their box is, and tell them to stay in it. Stay in it over there where I don't have to think about if that's the right box for you or not. It's still a box. And I don't want to be in a box anymore. One of the best ways to get out of my box may be to stop putting other people in boxes.

Maybe then we can see people for who they are, see the real people instead of just their box. And then next year when I attend this luncheon, no one will expect me to pull out a Got Aids Yet? sign just because I'm a Christian. Instead, I hope they see something else, like the big box Jesus carries bearing the words 'Everyone welcome! There's room for YOU here.'

More than you want to know

or need to know and probably more than I should tell you. But I'm writing this more for me to figure out what's going on. And, I just thanked someone the other day for sharing something similar on a newsletter he sent out. So I'll write it down. When you take a chance and share some of the hard, personal stuff, you often find that others struggle with the same stuff. No matter how alone you feel, or I feel, it's a lie, you're not alone.

In my layman's terms, here's where most people live:

'Normal' is pretty even keel with room to move on either side to slight depression (sadness/hopelessness) or slight mania (happiness/optimism), fluctuations often caused by circumstance, hormones and the like.

14 years ago I was officially diagnosed with depression and I have taken anti-depressants since then, with the exception the 1.37ish years I was pregnant and nursed Grace. I am quite certain that I have always had depression, and that my mom also had it (undiagnosed), and our 15 year old was recently diagnosed and has had great results with a low dose prescription - heredity. Along with prescription medication, I have found ways to 'self-medicate' to cope. like avoidance of things I know will trigger unpleasant feelings with sleep, food, reading & TV. I didn't even really know I was self-medicating.

Here is where I usually live:

and it's seemed do-able. It's felt OK because it is my 'normal', and you don't miss something you never had. It hasn't been normal lately. At all.

Hopelessness, irritability, fatigue, sluggishness, appetite change (actually less!), need to sleep more, feeling worthless, thoughts of mortality (different from suicide), withdrawing from friends and family and not comprehending why they care or notice...  sometimes I feel like I can't even function, I don't want to get out of bed to go to work and am distracted when I'm there. I use all my energy up at work to 'keep it together' then I have next to nothing left by the time I walk in the door at home each night.

Here is where I live now:

not even making it to 'normal'. When waiting it out didn't work (it's been over 5 weeks now), I saw my doctor. He said that "There is no blood test we can do to check for 'midi-chlorians' [I have the best doctor EVER!] to see exactly what is going on..." But that this is severe depression, which does ebb and flow, and right now it's flowing. I am not bi-polar because I never get to the manic pole on the above scale, I only have one pole.

All this is to say, I've got some work to do. My regular dose of anti-depressants has been doubled, I need to walk through the stuff that scares me and hurts instead of withdrawing, I'm going to learn to let myself be dependent on Jesus instead of stuff that is never going to change anything. Next week I begin a 13 week intensive course through our fabulous church called Freedom for Life, that is all about getting rid of addictions, with lots of accountability.  And exercise will help, too...

And now I know, and you know, too. And I hear knowing is half the battle.

The Devil is a Liar

 We had a family birthday party for Grace yesterday, made the ice cream cake she wanted, cleaned, decorated and prepared. We expected 14 guests, we had 5. A couple let us know a few days prior that their plans had changed, another group canceled because one of the three was sick, and another group of four just never called, never showed up, nothing.

I was mad. And upset. And fought against the ironic circumstance of  hearing a message on forgiveness that morning at church, working through some stuff with that, and now needing more. This, I have found, is just like God - always wanting to smooth my rough edges when I think they are just fine, thank you, the way they are.

What I was hearing was, "Nobody cares about you. And see? No one cares about Grace either. You are all alone. Nothing can change that. Alone. No one can see your pain. Alone."

...(Satan) was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. ~John 8:44

I bought it, hook, line & sinker, swallowing that barbed lie until I could hardly breathe while making small talk like I could.

Fast forward to a leader's meeting last night. During ministry time, I prayed with a couple other lovely ladies and turns out we are all feeling depressed & alone. That doesn't mean there isn't really hard stuff going on in each of our lives, but it does imply that this is a common tactic of the enemy who even now looks for someone to devour. If he can keep us alone, isolation steals any hope we have, destroying us, destroying me.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly.   ~John 10:10

 I am working through some really hard stuff that has been coming for a long time. I feel isolated & alone, I want to go to bed and get up in a year, maybe. Depression. Poor decisions. Too late decisions. Sick of the fight. When people are nice to me, I wonder why?  I am trying to pursue that abundant life Jesus talks about. And Satan is a liar who takes advantage of all this crap. My daughter is not another me, and she does and will know she's loved because I can change that. Sometimes I see a ray of hope, can see the hand of God using this stuff for a reason.

Heavy post, huh? I meant to write this and then turn the end of the post into a 'One Thousand Gifts' post because there is so much to be thankful for and things I should focus on instead, but I can't just right now. Just where I'm at. If you're a pray-er, please do.

*** Grace was very happy with her party. Since her love language is receiving gifts, and she received gifts, it was all really good, and with no other kids around she was the center of attention.

The Busy Life of a Kindergartener

Just this week:

Grace started Daisy Scouts!

(Pre Brownie & Girl Scouts)

She learned to spot the good apples,

pick them,

and press them for apple cider!

Delicious!

And then there's dance ♪ ♫ ♫ ♪ ♫

Whoa!!!!!

And the tooth she lost on the way to dance...

It's hard to get pictures of those bottom teeth!

And then the Tooth Fairy came!

 

She got $2 for her first tooth from the Tooth Fairy

but when she woke me up in the middle of the night,

yelling that the Tooth Fairy had been there,

it was $4, thanks to big bro Micah.

We explained that it was a special bonus

because it was the first tooth. =0)

And then there was a birthday!

6 6 6 6 6 6 6 6 6 6 6 6 6 6 6 6 !

OH! And picnik.com has fun Halloween effect right now.

You should go try them.