Monday, December 21, 2009

What you think of me...

Blogging is an interesting thing. It puts part of yourself out in the world, inviting people in with an unspoken agreement that they may or may not agree or like what is written, and that they may tell you. Of course it's nice to hear positive things, but sad to hear negative. I enjoy blogging, I love the format, I think once in a while I may have something worthwhile to say and other times I follow the advise, "if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all!" That explains my absence since last Monday.

I have just felt down, and unworthy of attention, respect or love, like nothing I do matters. I know this isn't completely true, but I've had trouble walking through these lies. The blogger at resolved2worship posted this video a couple weeks ago and I thought, "Yes! She knows exactly how I feel - I am invisible, too," and, "If only I were building cathedrals, how can I build cathedrals?" (Incidentally, I saw Nicole Johnson, from Fresh Brewed Life, perform this a few years ago at a Women of Faith Conference and she was amazing!)

Through lots of prayer the last week or so, I have been made aware that I am looking for approval in all the wrong places. Even if I get approval from people, from my family, from my kids & spouse, facebook friends or where ever, it will still not satisfy the longing in my heart for approval. Only God can give me what my heart longs for. Someone told me they try to always remember, 'what you think of me is none of my business,' and that seems like a pretty good thing to remember! Especially when what you think might matter too much.

So, all this to is simply to say that after this post, I will disable the link between my facebook and blog, creating a personal boundary where I will not look for, or judge my day upon your approval. I will not post something, and then hit refresh over and over on my facebook, simply to see if someone agrees, disagrees, or whatever. (OK - I haven't really done that, but I could, and I don't want to.) If you want to see what I'm writing, I will still be writing and posting at Now & Then, Here & Now, This & That, but you'll have to actually go to the blog to see it. (And if you do like to read what I post, you can subscribe to it, which I think notifies you when a new post is up and lets you then post comments on the blog, or you can email me through the profile on the blog... or not.)

If you have been reading these posts via facebook - thank you! If you haven't, that's OK, too - and you're welcome for removing them! Either way, thanks for joining me in one way or other on this journey!


  1. I have you on my bloglines reader and will keep up with you that way...I'll have lots of time at home to read! :) Thanks for blogging and for your honesty.

  2. Thank YOU, Jamie! (And I'm praying you have a little less time, soon!)

  3. I totally know how you feel! There is this pressure to be liked and accepted. I think its natural - we are putting ourselves out there and its human nature to want to be approved of. I went through the same thing with my blog where I just had to tell myself - "write for you, and if people like it, great...if they dont, thats ok too".

    you are absolutely right that Jesus is the ONLY one who can fill our hearts desire for love and acceptance! and how lovely will heaven be when we are surrounded by Him!